sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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