Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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