I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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