u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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