I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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