He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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