i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
