I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
