It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
