my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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