i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Oh god it's open bar.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
