Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
