I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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