dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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