I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
