dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize