Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize