Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
