Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
In other news, I just burned my penis
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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