3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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