Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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