dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
