So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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