The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
