Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
