My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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