If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
