well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
