Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
