since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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