you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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