Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
