Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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