I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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