were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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