Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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