I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
