I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
