I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
