It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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