Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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