he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
