The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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