i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
