Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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