I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
