I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
