Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
