Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize