Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
pray to the hookup gods
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
