oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
