If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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