tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
