Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
