I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Actions speak louder than pants.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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