If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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