you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
