I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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