When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Randomize
