Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
