Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
