You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
