How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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