I'm gonna have a badass scar
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
