i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
