It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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