Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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