it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I am available for nakedness
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
