i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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