every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
