I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
