We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
