drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
