Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
