just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
