My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
