I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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